mere ashk

ashko ki do boondein chupakar rakhi thi in palkon mei

inse ek apnapan sa hogya tha

par ye bhi zidd karhi hai muje chod jane ki

kya maine inhe itna sataya tha

inhe na behne diya maine

chupakar rakhna chaha apna gam

socha tha isi bahane shayad

mere ladhne ki takat na hogi kam

na door karna chahti thi inhe mujse

raaz khuljate mere saare

bichad jaate mujse mere apne

bangaye the ye mere jeene ke sahare

dhundle padhgaye raste saare

inn aasoon ke behne ki zidd par

khogayi hu rahon mei kahi

manzil ki na hai koi khabar

Today i decide

today i decide i will kill my hope
with the reality that is staring in my face, i will cope
today i decide, i will start living for myself, my happiness alone
because the deepest hurt is given by people you call your own
today i decide, i will weave dreams new
and i will ensure that each and everyone of them comes true
today i decide, i dont need others to bring happiness in my world
i am all i have for me,Dear Heart, i hope you heard
today i decide, i will not let sorrow pull me down
no matter what, i will carry on my face, a smile, not a frown
today i decide, i will love myself more than anyone else
clear the space for myself, where currently someone else dwells
today i decide, i will cherish every moment
leave all the hurt behind, for no action repent
today i decide, i will revive the child inside of me
live like a free bird, set myself free
today i decide, i will not shed a single precious tear anymore
i want to believe that my life has finally found its shore
today i decide, i will learn to love myself more than yesterday, less than tomorrow
so that all i have around me is peace, happiness and smiles, not a drop of sorrow

Lack of courage

sometimes i am amazed at my ability to fool myself. i behave as though everything is perfect within me, i am happy, i am cheerful, everything is so fine in my perfect little world...and i almost start believing its true. until the pain starts oozing out...first in trickles and ultimately it turns into a tsunami so huge that it drowns all the makeshift happiness i have created within me. i never knew before that i was a coward.whatever situations that life has thrown at me, i would face it upfront.Sensitive though i am, i would fall, break and somehow put the broken pieces of my soul back together.but the point is i would face the situation fully conscious of the fact that it would shatter me.but you dont reach the shore until you have battled the waves.but this time the difference is i am not ready to step in to the wading waters. the waves have thrown me off course once and i have not been able to pick all my shattered pieces together...and am afraid to step in again........either i have to dissolve the desire to reach the shore or just wade in battle the waves and either drown or emerge victorious. but am afraid to drown, afraid to try....what i need is some courage which i never felt i lacked.......but this is a different situation...and its a different me.........

wish i could end the wait once and for all
i managed to get up from the brutal fall
but i am stuck to the place of mishap even now
waiting eternally for the white dove

i tried drilling sense into me
i have even let go, set everything free
but within my heart lies a spark of hope
howmuchever i try it wont drop

i showed it the practical side
told it the sea is too deep and wide
yet it tells me u will cross and reach the shore
just keep on trying some more

how do i try, what do i do?
i am paralysed, i have no clue
it breaks my heart everyday to kill
but the hope is too strong willed

my tears have dried, there is a numbness now
i thought i was my best friend, turns out am the worst foe
i cant tell ne1 what am goin through,i show everything is fine
how can i replace something so rare, so pure, so divine

i firmly believe what is meant will happen for sure
someday i will,of my sorrows, be cured
but till then how do i stop waiting
can i get a hint that i will get what i have been wanting

leave me alone

i always told myself, life is a fairy tale
there are good days and there are days you fail
but in the end everything will be fine
hope for the best, believe in these words of mine

but when dark clouds are all that you can see
and the world wont let you what you want to be
i realized life is a wretched soul
tearing me into bits apart, it wont let me be whole

i tried to befriend it, but it wants to suck my happiness away
building new challenges and making me fall everyday
the winding roads make me dizzy and nauseous
i cannot escape from its wrath howmuchever i am cautious

sometimes i want to give up
sometims i ask it to shutup
sometimes i plead to it to leave me alone
sometimes i curse it, try to bargain that a lot i have borne

but its stuck to me like a shadow
the paths of joy are growing more and more narrow
the horror the pain the disdain
everything around me seems so vain

i weep i cry to lessen the hurt
it swears at me, it behaves curt
i want to hide but it finds me everywhere
there is no way to escape, no more can i bear

I will be there for u my F.R.I.E.N.D.S

i met u as a stranger, took u as a friend
a lot of wonderful moments with u i spent
u were one of the reasons that i evolved as a person
u were by my side, in life's every season
to thank you i have reasons many
sometimes u were my teacher, sometimes u were my nanny!
accepting me for what i am, not expecting me to change a bit
my life, thanks to u, is now brightly lit
helping me to control my bouts of anger
listening to my 'besura' songs though i am not that great a singer
no matter what the future life has in store
i will always be there beside u, to scream, shout, bore!

I bless....i thank.........

I bless the hard days of my life, coz they taught me persevarance
I thank the challenges in my life, coz they gave me strength immense
I bless the sorrows in my life coz they made me human
I thank the mistakes in my life, without them,life would not be any fun
For every hardship, every challenege, every sorrow I have faced
For every mistake I have made
I am thankful coz it made me grow
Of what is really important in life, it let me know....

For my inspiration...........

The biggest fear should be to fear
When you have all your loved ones near
To pick you up when you fall down
You have people to call your own
There is nothing that can go drastically wrong
Coz you know where you truly belong
Get up now, go win the war
Good times are here what are you waiting for!!!!!

2010 a luvvv story.............

i looked into his eyes, he looked into mine
till that moment everything in my life was absolutely fine
 but at that instant everything went bizzare
i was transported into a world afar

i forgot where i was, where i was headed to go
of what was happening to me, i really didnt know
he was not very handsome, but had lovely eyes
a mature face, which made him look very wise

fluffy hair wich fell on his forehead
he shot at me a cute dimpled smile, and his eyes sparkled
i had seen him for the first time, but felt i knew him since long
 In my mind started ringing a sweet romantic song

suddenly i came back to the real world
maybe i had made things too obvious, to me it occured
feeling sheepish i turned red in the face
my heart was beating at a super fast pace

'oooooooooooo' cooed his friends when i walked past
the foolish smile on my face, for the entire day did last
he was my senior in college,very talented and shy
a kind hearted soul, he was an easy going guy

every girl secretly held a soft corner for him
i so very felt like the heroine of a bollywood film
the rose day arrived,to him, i sent a special card
but i didnt write my name, found it too hard

to my delight, i got a card too
 asking me to be there at CCD at two
My heart skipped a beat
"Oh my God' i quipped, can life really be so sweet

But in two minds I was, whether to go or not
With my mind, my heart fought
Ultimately, my heart got the better of me
I told myself, what happens, let us see

I mustered my courage went there on time
He was already there, sipping on some soda-lime
He looked so cute, but seemed nervous too
He was wearing a T-Shirt of my favourite color blue

With shaking legs I went to the the table
I felt really weak and feeble
I lost my voice, but his smile brought me back
I was suddenly conscious of myself, thinking I am so imperfect, so much i lack

He looked into my eyes, i again went into a trance
I am glad I had taken this chance
We said nothing, but understood each others silence
At that instant I realized, our fondness for each other was very dense

As days passed, we grew close a lot
We were completely different from each other, a lot we fought
But the fights were sweet, the reconciliations sweeter
our relation was growing thicker and thicker

He had become a reason for my existence
I had found so many relations in him, my love for him was immense
I dreamt about spending my life with him everyday
 I always thought of bringing happiness into his life, in every way

He was very thoughtful, loving and caring too
He was a patient listener, a man of words few
I thanked God everyday for this
Every minute with him was complete bliss

One unfortunate day we had a big fight
 I could not sleep the entire night
'Go to hell, I dont ever want to see you again' I  had said
His face had fallen, his eyes had turned red

I waited for his call, but it never came
I felt, now things would never be the same
 Next morning I got a call, saying he was no more
He had met with a bike accident,I was shattered, i simply sat down on the floor

I stared at the ceiling i stared at the walls
I called out to him to come back, I felt distanced from all
The pillar of my life had left me alone
Happiness was a stranger to me now, I was on my own

So much in shock was I
I wished that I would die
I heard someone call out to me, someone hold me tight
I was blabbering,'Please come back to me I promise I wont ever fight'

The grip brought back me to the present, because it seemed so familiar
I opened my eyes to see who was here
I was stunned, I was overjoyed, I could not breathe at all
Was I dreaming, did I really get the call?

There holding me in his arms was the love of my life
He slipped a ring into my finger, asking me to be his wife
The call was made by a common friend
So that our huge fight would end
I wept with relief, I wept with joy, he held me close to his heart
I prayed to God, that we never be apart....

The Susceptible Soul

The entire world was at her behest
Yet she felt all alone
She felt isolated from the rest
Of all the petty issues that they discussed she felt outgrown

She wanted to be by herself
Look at the wondrous side of the world
The world was huge, she felt like an elf
Yet she wanted to fly around like a free bird

She wanted to touch the sky, kiss the stars
Flow with the river to a destination unknown
Wanted to walk and explore around, freely, with no bars
She felt sometimes its so good to be alone

Far away she wanted to go
Away from the whining and envy,
Where not a single person she would know
Her heart felt so heavy

The outside world could not see
What was hapenning to her
Everything in her life was so perfect, the way it should be
So many people to love and care for her

Yet something was always missing
She did not know what
She had everything she wanted, so many people's blessings
Yet in her heart there was something like a blindspot

She had tried in her own ways
To make a difference to the world around
She had wiped tears, brought happiness into lives,at every step embraced
What life had in store, all throughout stayed strongly rooted to the ground

There was still so much sorrow in people' lives
It hurt her, broke her heart into pieces many
Sorrow of losing something, fear, disgust, hatred, the pain when someone dies
Was there for all of this solution any?

She looked at the waves that come and go
She thought, they are so unlike time
They will be pulled back they know
But they never stop trying

People are the same
They keep marching forward, putting the past behind
Turning a deaf ear, is the key to life's game
So is shutting your eyes, pretending to be blind

Should i do the same she pondered
Or listen to what my heart says
My mind has always been right, she wondered
But I guess should listen to my heart for a few days

With this a hope arose in her heart
A smile came across her face
She thought,'I might be doing a foolish thing, I might not be smart
But this is where my happiness lies, this is where it stays'

I will do what I feel is best
Even if it seems wrong now
God will take care of the rest
To walk on the untread path, it is time now.....

The defeated triumph.........

Hurt and tired of fighting with the world
she wept until there were no more tears left to shed
Yet the pain remained unperturbed
Her face was swollen her eyes were red

There was no one to be blamed for what had happened
There was nothing anyone could do
She had chosen her own fate
This day was to come, long before she knew

This was the only way she could alleviate her pain
Of losing someone so close
She had been warned by all her loved ones
But she had chosen a bed of thorns, and a few petals of rose

She knew the days of merriment would be few
The days of sorrow would last forever
Yet she wanted to spend the last few days of his life with him
Her now dead husband, her one time lover

She had been strong enough
To fight for her love against all odds
She went against practicality, and the entire world
For some miracle to occur, she had prayed to all the Gods

When the reason for her existence
Was vanishing bit by bit
She fet like a burning candle
Which once was brightly lit

She would think,' He doesnt deserve this pain
He is too good to be going through this
How am I going to live without him
How am I ever going to come out of this'

'I never accepted true love existed
Until, into my life he came
After which my life became a bed of roses
Nothing was ever the same'

He taught me to love myself
He believed in me when i failed
He stood by me always, held me together
Whenever I was sad, whenever I wailed

How was I to leave him like this
People said you are out of your mind and lost
But could I leave him stranded like this
When he needed me the most?

His dream was to spend my life with me
He did not care about anything else
How could I not do that for him
How was I to deny him that happiness"

Every minute with him she cherished
Stood by him as new problems surfaced
But seeing him in pain was extremely difficult for her
She was dying within, but put up a brave face

Her heart ached as the time came nearer
But at times she wished he would die
From this wretched pain he would be relieved
Then she would curse herself for thinking this way, she dint know why

When the time came for him to go
He had looked deep into her eyes
He had said,'I love you like crazy I hope you know
'You are my angel, my true love, a blessing in disguise

He then left her with memories sweet
She felt she should join him too
But in her womb lived another life
Which gave her a hope new

She got up feebly from the floor
Moved towards the door
She wiped her tears determinedly from her face
And walked out of the door with full grace....

Listen to the waves........

i sat down on the seashore
looking at the wondrous beauty of nature
watching the waves come and go
not worried about their future

irrespective of how tiny or huge they are
they never give up, put in their best
trying harder everytime to touch the seashore
not taking a moment's rest

the waves know they will be pulled back
yet they push themselves ahead
until they finally manage to touch the shore
emerging victorious, putting all their defeats to an end

life is a similar roller coaster ride
there are ups and downs too many
the trick is not to give up, keep trying hard
this puts an end to problems many

when you feel there is no way out
all the doors have closed in on you
believe in yourself, dont ever doubt
the tremendous potential that lies within you...

The Beauty of nature

a yellow ray of sunshine, a shining drop of dew
a huge canvas to paint, the sky so blue
a bloom of flowers spreading lovely fragrance
a captivating sight of a peacock's welcome dance
a huge ball of snow, pure untouched white
a sudden gust of breeze on a sultry night
a beautiful butterfly feeding on nectar
in a dark moonless night the twinkling of a star
the sweet murmur of the night insects in a lonely place
the pitter patter of raindrops which the earth happily does embrace
the mesmerizing reflection of the moon on the wavy sea
on a sunny afternoon, the cool shade of the tree
Mother Nature is wonderful, she is multi-faceted, dynamic too
every minute she transforms herself  into an enchanting personality new...

The looming fear.........

i can stand against the entire world alone
when i know that i am right
however difficult it maybe, i will not lose opportunities to hone
my strengths, my values, no threats weaknesses give me the fright
but the only thing that scares me a lot
is the thought of losing my pillars of hope
i have fought a lot against this thought
but it is somewhere very difficult to cope
hope never in my life comes that day
hope this never happens for real
hope God never puts me to test this way
hope He is not so cruel..........

sumheri yadein......

chotas ki chai
chatpate gappe till dhai
assignments ko kosna
shor sharaba rona wona
jhagadna khoob, firse dost ban jana
kabhi kabhi banke rehna anjana
subah 4baje ko sone jana
class kliye proxy ki setting lagana
class jao toh sapno ki duniya mei kho jana
teachers ko questions pooch poochke paka dalna
kuch poocha jaaye toh baat ko yuh ghumana
aur answer ko hi question banake teacher se pooch dalna
assignments kliye har baar deadline extension ki maang karna
raat ko 3 baje chotas pe veg club sandwich, bournvita peene jana
exam ke samay dher saari movies dekna
exam paper mei jo jee mei aaye wo fekke likhna
raat ko camus ki galiyo mei sair karna
kabhi kabhi 'MICA' zoo mei junglee janwar dekhke wo darna
wo raat raat bhar ki lambi batein
kabhi na khatam honewali wo gossipwali batein
wo parties aur photo sessions ka dhamaal
pata bhi nai chala aur beet gaya ye saal
kaash ye din firse laaut aaye
firse hum MICA ke bhool bhulaiye mei kahin kho jaaye......

The Voice....

in the stillness of the wind,
i could hear a voice,
it was the voice of my mind,
which i have since long neglected as an unwanted noise,

today i decide to listen to it carefully,
hear what it has to say to me,
it said let go of all your worries, live blissfully,
stop worrying,live life like a baby,

life is too short,you dont know what's in store,
if u miss what you have today,
tomorrow u will be crying for it more,
dont miss today's precious day,

future is a mystery,
past is a history,
make today a victory,
live life in full glory....................

the battle

i stepped into the sea by my own will
it was pleasant for awhile
the water splashing on my feet,made me at peace feel
and brought on my face a wide smile

slowly the waves started receding
i didnt want them to go
in my heart i was pleading
stop there please dont go

but the waves had a mind of their own
they would not listen to me
they left me there alone
wouldnt listen to my plea

i stared at the wide sea for sometime
i knew that another wave would come to me
but i felt,to leave it was time
i bade goodbye to the sea

but my feet were stuck to the sand below
howmuchever i tried i could not get free
i never realised when so deep i had sunk or how
how couldn't i see

i fought with the sand
and finally pulled my feet out
but the sand was stuck to my feet,like the wounds of my battle grand

and i knew there was only one way out

i had to step into the water again
let another wave wash over me
would i have to pay the same price again
this was yet to be seen............

Scared.....

scared to leave the known lanes
scared to let go, afraid of bearing the pain
scared to traverse the untread path
scared to question, lest would receive wrath

scared to to see the truth that lies in front of me
scared to cry lest it would weaken me
scared to stand still, lest the wind would blow me away
scared to talk, lest mumbles amidst fast flowing tears are all that i have to say

scared to accept the reality
scared to be hurt brutally
scared to kill the hope inside of me
scared to face the real me......

nothing to lose

what is there to lose
when u have nothing to choose
everything leaves u after awhile
and ur left empty handed, walking alone mile after mile


deep down in the ocean of the heart
which has been into bits torn apart

runs a stream of sorrow

which wishes day in day out that there would be no tomorrow

the sound deafens amidst so much chatter

of dreams that have into bits shattered

camouflaged under the tears of laughter

flows the river of pain, drowning the hope that flutters

the numbness that creeps in due to extreme pain

makes u feel ur living life in vain

there is nothing to lose now,nothing to gain

just the stillness of life, forlorn and disdain

Caught in the fairytale of life

more than a year later, am back to writing a blog. its been quite sometime since i wrote something. call it being caught up in the race of becoming something, or doing things the way they are supposed to be done, or losing track of what i really want to do.things have never worked for me the way they were supposed to. whenever i have wanted something, it would just drift away further and further from me. and everytime i would convince myself its all for good, something better is in store. weirdly i have a positive approach towards life.there is alwaz a lingering hope which keeps pushing me forward. but everytime i have to get down my hopes, because i would soon realize i am not going to get what i want. its not so easy. strong though i am, am equally sensitive too. the process of putting back the broken pieces of my soul is long and tedious.

i have alwaz wanted to believe in fairy tales, the ones with happy endings, where the prince fights with the villains putting an end to the torments of the sweet beautiful innocent princess, and then they live happily ever after.but what if ur the prince, the princess and the villain too? i have alwaz thought my life will have a happy ending too. but its crazy, things neva happen my way and the main reason for this is, i am my biggest enemy. u can fight with the world and win, but when u r pitted against urself, ur a loser anyhow. i have a weakness and i keep making the same mistakes again and again coz am a princess! and then when am in super deep trouble, i try to save myself coz am a prince! but who has created all this trouble for the princess the villain ME! i have no clue if there is ever going to be a cure for this...i am tired of playing these multiple roles, sometimes i want to be the prince, sometimes a princess, and yes sometimes a villain for others, but not all the three together!  right now am the princess who needs to be saved from the villain me, and am searching for my prince charming.the prince within me has gone for a journey to the center of the earth (watched that muvi yday!) any takers who can save me from me????