sometimes i am amazed at my ability to fool myself. i behave as though everything is perfect within me, i am happy, i am cheerful, everything is so fine in my perfect little world...and i almost start believing its true. until the pain starts oozing out...first in trickles and ultimately it turns into a tsunami so huge that it drowns all the makeshift happiness i have created within me. i never knew before that i was a coward.whatever situations that life has thrown at me, i would face it upfront.Sensitive though i am, i would fall, break and somehow put the broken pieces of my soul back together.but the point is i would face the situation fully conscious of the fact that it would shatter me.but you dont reach the shore until you have battled the waves.but this time the difference is i am not ready to step in to the wading waters. the waves have thrown me off course once and i have not been able to pick all my shattered pieces together...and am afraid to step in again........either i have to dissolve the desire to reach the shore or just wade in battle the waves and either drown or emerge victorious. but am afraid to drown, afraid to try....what i need is some courage which i never felt i lacked.......but this is a different situation...and its a different me.........
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